Today was a breaking point for me.
Walking out of the church building today, a lady pulled me aside and said that she was sorry that I missed an “event” (I’m trying to give as little information as I can to tell the story yet to protect the identity of the lady). Anyway, I’m sure I looked at her strange because I thought the event was coming up this week. I kinda shook my head, trying to release the confusion from my brain. She said that I was missed and that she was sorry I had missed the blessing of serving at it.
It was all I could do to hold in my tears until we reached the car. In fact, I didn’t. I burst out crying as soon as we got outside and bee-lined for the car.
I felt anger because I mis-scheduled another event. Two days before this happened I went to an appointment at a hospital and I had no idea where it was located or with what doctor. I showed up at the hospital, I guess just expecting I’d be able to figure it out. When I went to the information desk and asked her where an office pertaining to women’s health was, she asked who it was with. I said I didn’t know. She looked at me strangely, and said, “well then, honey, i can’t help you if you don’t know in which building or with whom it was made.” Of course she couldn’t. I ended up finding it, but it was after some prayer and wandering.
But back to the story– I felt anger because I mis-scheduled the event. I felt anger by the christianese (Sorry I missed the blessing? Does that really mean that she was disappointed I messed up? Who even says that?). I felt anger that this is the second thing I’ve missed as it relates to this woman– the first because Aly got sick the night before I was supposed to be hosting a group of mom and kids at my home for lunch. How does she know that I’m not just some unreliable person? She doesn’t. No one really knows me here.
And I’m trying
…hard. To fit in. To make friends. To be a part of a community. To serve.
So I broke. I wept the whole way home, and all through lunch.
I’m just not “me”. Not too long ago I was the super-organized woman. My house was always clean. Menus made, grocery shopping done. Events planned and hosted and remembered. Errands planned and accomplished. Bible studies planned and carried out. Girls met with and great discussions had.
Now my house is nearly always cluttered. I have managed to forget to buy at least one essential ingredient per week, resulting in extra shopping trips. I misschedule events. I totally forget playdates. Errands stay on my “to-do” list for weeks. Books are half-read. I have a hard time following an intelligent conversation from beginning to end. I’m not expecting perfection with myself. But missed appointments? Misscheduled events? Absent-mindedness? Even Jake, who is not Mr. Organization and doesn’t expect people to be, has been wondering what’s been going on with me.
That’s my question too– What IS going on with me?